ROMANCE STAFF PICKS

Best Song for Your Supper:
If you’re dining at The Restaurant at the Phoenix, you’ll hear once or twice from Chase, a waiter with a gorgeous baritone who will mark birthdays, anniversaries and such with his own stylish versions of “Happy Birthday” and “Unforgettable.”
The Phoenix, 812 Race St., Downtown, 513-721-8901.

Best Place for an Oil Change:
Massage Supplies and Such carries everything a massage therapist or amateur wannabe could want, from aromatherapy lotions to face cradle covers for massage chair headrests. Owner Cindy Fischer says renting the massage chairs is popular for Mother Day and Father’s Day, though even some amateurs prefer to own their own tables.
10744 Reading Road, Evendale, 513-733-5444.

photo: Eric Chapman Best Racy Public Display: Bare Witness Photo: Mandy Janes

Best Racy Public Display: Bare Witness
Last July went out with a bang, and Main Street showed some skin at the Final Friday Gallery Walk with Bare Witness, a photography showcase celebrating the body in the most carnal sense. The project was conceived by Robin Harrison and Cedric Cox, who make up Hip-Notic Concepts, an art promotions organization that built up for the photo show months earlier with “Le Freak Le Chic” parties — complete with DJs and body painting — in area nightspots. What resulted was a melding of the night crowd with art lovers — all pulled off with a sexy vibe. The subject matter was the same, but styles and techniques varied from distorted images to stark, black-and-white, in-your-face shots. Even more fun was spotting a model or two on the street eyeballing the works with everyone else. (Jessica Turner)

Best Cheap Chocolate:
Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day can really blow if you’re not paired up. But if you need a cheap fix to cure the V-Day blues, the Hyde Park Kroger is the place to find it. Every year, tons of brand-name and off-brand (but just as tasty) chocolates are priced to move as soon as it’s Feb. 15 so the store can make room for that chocolatiest of holidays, Easter.
3760 Paxton Ave., Hyde Park, 513-871-4142.

Best Way to Wipe That Smile off Your Face:
Why is Bob smiling? Playing on men’s fears and doubts about their sexual ability, Cincinnati-based Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals sells a lot of Enzyte to help guys feel a little fuller, a little firmer, if you know what we mean (wink, wink). And isn’t the missus happy these days? Oops, why is Bob frowning now? Based on more than 3,000 customer complaints about billing and marketing practices, law enforcement raided Berkeley offices a few weeks ago as part of a federal investigation. Focus, Bob, focus — you’re going a little soft, if you know what we mean.

Best Sell-Out:
It’s a sad comment that one of the most popular shows at the Playhouse in the Park this season was Bad Dates, a one-woman show about Haley Walker, trying to jump-start her moribund, post-divorce dating life. It was such a hot ticket that the Playhouse extended its four-week run to accommodate all those desperate folks who identified with a woman who can’t find a decent man. Playwright Theresa Rebeck, a Cincinnati native and graduate of Ursuline Academy, set the play in New York City, but don’t try telling us some of her romantic notions didn’t stem from her years in Blue Ash. (cincyplay.com)

Best Public Orgasm:
You never know what those under comedian/hypnotist J. Medicine Hat’s spell will do, which is the best part of his act. While performing at Newport’s Funny Bone Comedy Club recently, his hypnotized group of audience members onstage did everything from a simulated strip-tease to “dirty” spelling bee to, well, orgasm. One of the girls onstage had come with her parents; her mother stomped out of the room when she was asked to use the word she just spelled in a sentence and shrugged, “I like dick.” He makes another Funny Bone stop April 20-24. (funnyboneonthelevee.com)

Best Conservative Techniques for Courting:
What’s a “family values” county prosecutor to do? He spends all day bringing bad guys to justice, including store owners who sell videos showing jiggling breasts and people having sex in their offices, and then hunkers down all night with his wife and kids protecting them from godless heathens in the Big City. When does he have time for a little romance? If he’s Mike Allen, he doesn’t skimp on the sugar — just consider his wooing techniques as described in Former Assistant Prosecutor Rebecca Collins’ sexual harassment lawsuit against Allen and the board of county commissioners:

• Best Way to Sneak a Peek:
“(Allen) subsequently admitted … that he had tried at this luncheon to make her laugh so that he could look at her breasts and that he was glad she didn’t catch him looking.”

• Best Way to Sweet Talk:
“Allen, who knew (Collins) was a in a particularly vulnerable emotional state at this time, came to (her) apartment, appeared to be under the influence of alcohol, made sexual overtures to her and refused to leave her apartment until she had intercourse with him. (Collins) believed she had no choice but to obey.”

• Best Dictation Technique:
“Allen frequently summoned (Collins) to his office for the purpose of engaging in sexual intercourse.”

• Best Way to Brighten Her Day:
“Allen left a single red rose on (Collins’) desk. (She) believed her husband sent the rose and was greatly distressed when she discovered that defendant Allen had left it for her.”

• Best Imitation of a Seventh Grader:
“Allen … kissed (Collins) without invitation on the west stairwell landing between the seventh and eighth floors, and she immediately chastised him.”

• Best Dirty Talk:
“Numerous times since December 1999 defendant Allen threatened (Collins), saying that, ‘If I go down, you go down with me.’ ” ©